I'm a mess too

July 21, 2013

 

So here I am again, ranting about how my life's turning out. Let's just start on ranting, and venting out all the negativity in my life, so I can at least release.

I am so emotionally tired.

Sometimes I want to just live in another country, where people don't know you. It's like restarting your life and making new memories and meeting new people.
But I'm stick here, in the place where so much painful memories had happened, and I'm force to take in all of it.

There are a lot of things to do for school. The tourism exposed is coming up in less than a month, and I don't know how we could start it.  We still need to do the tv ad and the booth and the promotional gimmick, and I don't know how we're gonna do that. But I'm still blessed that I get to sleep this weekend, and enjoy being me.

BUT

This weekend was suppose to be beautiful. I mean, I got to shop a lot of clothes last Saturday, but something was missing..

Oh right, John. Well, I cried again last night because of him. I just feel like he couldn't get in his thick skull that I'm trying my best. I texted him first yesterday, but once he replied (after a few hours) it felt like he was so eager to go again. I don't even want him to leave, I loved his company. But he just kept on pushing me away. It hurts.

Then at night, I just felt so damn unappreciated.
He was in a bad mood, and I wanted to make him feel loved and understood. I was ready to listen. Just listen. To not even give advice but to just listen. So I asked him if he could call, tell me about what's bothering him....but he said he can't, that he wouldn't be able to be good at conversations. I understood, and I stayed. I knew he needed a friend to just hang on to, and I want to be that friend for him. After a while he told me that he changed, that he didn't trust himself, and that he didn't want to disappoint me. I didn't understand why, and I wanted to know why. But I didn't ask anymore questions. I don't want him to get more pissed, especially at me. Then he said good night.

I feel like he doesn't need me anymore. That he already proved to himself that it's never gonna work out between us.  I feel like it's happening again. Him being cold to me, and any time this month his gonna say, "Hanna, I'm sorry but I don't think it's gonna work out between us again, I need time to collect myself, goodbye" 

I'm gonna get ready when this day comes. But in the meantime, no matter what happens, I'll prove to him that I'm never leaving. I want to show him that this relationship is worth a shot.

If he's trying, I'm staying.

Lost in confusion

July 18,2013

Well it's been two months since we parted, John and I. He's back in my life now, for about 5 days, and I feel like it's going to end again. To tell you the truth, I thought he was staying for good. He didn't even give much of an effort to show how much he wanted me back, I just accepted him. I know I was stupid for letting him in my life again, despite of the countless times my friends told me that it's not worth it.  I guess I just love him too much not to take him back. I wanted him to stay in my life, of course. I sincerely thought that we should give our relationship another try, it felt like the way we ended seemed too soon.
So we got back together, unofficially, but still. It was going great for a few days, we started calling each other "babe" again, saying "I love you" and sending "hugs and kisses".

But tonight turned out differently.

It started when we both decided on meeting each other tomorrow, for a quick lunch date. As the head over heels type of girl that I am, I agreed on it. He then messaged me that tomorrow was not a good day for him, he didn't give me any reasons, but I just said it was alright. But in the inner part of myself, I was screaming inside. I wanted to see him, and I want to tell him a lot of things, but it seemed that he just can't. I just understood the situation and shoved it off. After a while we began talking again, it ended to a conversation, clarifying what the status of our relationship is supposed to be. I told him I wanted to be both a lover but more than friends. So we ended up being officially best friends. In my opinion, I thought what he meant was that we would be called bestfriends but he will still court me. We just want to take things slow. But then the conversation turned. I told him about the "crush"  I have in school. Then he started telling me that it's okay for him that I have a crush, and that the possibilities are endless. I told him, the guy was just a crush, and that I gave him a chance so that we could be together again. But it seemed like, what he wanted to imply is that, we don't need to rush things and that it's fine if the guy and I would be together. Eliminating the fact that he and I would then be together.

It seemed like he didn't fight for me. I don't know why, but it just seemed that he was okay with the whole situation. That it's fine if we don't get back together, as long as we're friends. But he doesn't understand that, I still love him, unconditionally, and that I chose him over the guy, that I had a crush with, because I am in love with him. It hurts because I feel like getting dumped again.

Maybe this is all what he wants. To be friends with me, that's why he kept on messaging me on my phone.

I just feel so used.

Twin Soul

July 12, 2012

It's incredibly awesome that I've met someone who's almost my twin.

You don't look alike, you don't have the same fashion sense, you're more of a simple person and he's more of a fashionable type. But it's never the physical aspect that would make you say that "He's my Soulmate". The word soul says it all, when you have the same soul, you know that you're both different, you know that you'll never look like him, but you understand each other very well.

I know it's early to say this, very much early, we've known each other for roughly three years, been together for roughly 10 months. But there are times in our lives when we would sit down, eat and well just eat. He said that he liked it that way, it seemed like we've known each other very well. Even if we talk on the phone, there would be times when he would fall asleep and leave me hanging, since we can't figure out anything to talk about. It's actually irritating but if you look at it very well, it's kinda nice too.

Hanging By A Moment

April 27, 2012

time slows down whenever you're around

My dad joined another ultra-marathon last April 20 in Albay, Bicol. It's a 12 hour drive from Sta.Rosa, so at 2:00 in the morning on April 19, my mom woke me up and was asked to get ready. I was getting kind of excited, since it's my first to go to my mother's hometown. I quickly got dress and went in the car, expecting to sleep.

We got to the hotel, at around 3:00, got lost because of wrong information, I want to blame Google Maps, but well, I can't, we we're wrong too =))
We then went inside the room and had a couple of minutes to sleep. Went out for the night to get my dad's singlet, took home food and went back to the hotel to grab some dinner.

The next day, probably was the most surprising and exciting day I've ever had in years. Let's start with the morning routine. It was my father's most awaited event, having to run 80 km around Mayon Volcano is a privilege. He went out for the day, of course. We, people who we're left sleeping in the room, ate breakfast downstairs and got ready.

We then went to Cagsawa Ruins, aaaah it was majestic :) The feeling you get when you realize that the lower part of the church is below your feet, UH-MAY-ZENG. Took A LOT of pictures, then had our lunch at Pares King :) I may say that they have worthy Filipino Food right there, delicious.

It was decided that, me and my little brother will stay in the hotel, until my mom and my aunt gets back to fetch dad. A few hours of non-stop tv watching for my brother and a few hours of sleeping for me, suddenly there was a knock on the door. My mom said that we won't let anyone come in the room. My little brother checked who that was, when I went outside the bathroom to my surprise Johnny Boy was there!:""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""">
Of course I screamed! I hugged him and asked him why he didn't tell me, and told me that it was a surprise, :"""> I was so happy when I saw him :"""""""""""""""""""""> I missed him a lot and was greatly relieved when I saw him :"""> He was even staying at the same hotel as we are:""""""> damn it! Can this day get any better??

After a few hours my parents came home and we celebrated my Dad's ultra-marathon, in Embarkadero. Ate our dinner, returned to our hotel and slept the excitement away.

Morning of April 21 came, my family and I went downstairs to have our breakfast. And apparently saw him while eating :> We greeted each other and each others parents. My mom and his mom talked for a while and I left them talking while I went upstairs to have my bath and to prepare to check out.

It was Daet for us that morning, and the next day was our roadtrip to Sta. Rosa.

By far?? Best summer vacation, EVER. :""""""""""""">

Good Feeling

February 4, 2012

Last Night, while I was on Twitter I read a tweet by one of my batch mates, saying that he got accepted in DLS-CSB. Since that was the only university I've applied to, whom I've been waiting for decades to release the results.

I told John at once - since he took the exam as well. Of course I got so nervous, being able to pass that was enough for me, since my hopes of entering the BIG FOUR were not fulfilled, this was my only chance to enter a decent university.

After telling him, he checked it - I suppose - and told me that he was wait listed, I was indeed happy for him. Then he called me and told me that I got in. I was so shock, I mean I have the confidence to say that I can pass, but after all I've been through, I still want to know if I REALLY got in or not.

I checked it, and I did pass.

They call DLS-CSB, "ang bagsakan ng mga hindi pumapasa ng DLSU". But even if they say that it's the school for stupid people (sorry) I didn't care. I know that they have great culinary facilities there and I've heard of students from the school, who were offered outstanding jobs outside the country. I'm gonna take this seriously, I know that this is what I want, I know that I'll be happy and successful, I can feel it.

It's true what they say, the university you go into does not define your success, it might be the tool for your success but it does not define who you are, it does not define what you can show to the world. I know what I can do and any time soon I'll show them.