I'm a mess too

July 21, 2013

 

So here I am again, ranting about how my life's turning out. Let's just start on ranting, and venting out all the negativity in my life, so I can at least release.

I am so emotionally tired.

Sometimes I want to just live in another country, where people don't know you. It's like restarting your life and making new memories and meeting new people.
But I'm stick here, in the place where so much painful memories had happened, and I'm force to take in all of it.

There are a lot of things to do for school. The tourism exposed is coming up in less than a month, and I don't know how we could start it.  We still need to do the tv ad and the booth and the promotional gimmick, and I don't know how we're gonna do that. But I'm still blessed that I get to sleep this weekend, and enjoy being me.

BUT

This weekend was suppose to be beautiful. I mean, I got to shop a lot of clothes last Saturday, but something was missing..

Oh right, John. Well, I cried again last night because of him. I just feel like he couldn't get in his thick skull that I'm trying my best. I texted him first yesterday, but once he replied (after a few hours) it felt like he was so eager to go again. I don't even want him to leave, I loved his company. But he just kept on pushing me away. It hurts.

Then at night, I just felt so damn unappreciated.
He was in a bad mood, and I wanted to make him feel loved and understood. I was ready to listen. Just listen. To not even give advice but to just listen. So I asked him if he could call, tell me about what's bothering him....but he said he can't, that he wouldn't be able to be good at conversations. I understood, and I stayed. I knew he needed a friend to just hang on to, and I want to be that friend for him. After a while he told me that he changed, that he didn't trust himself, and that he didn't want to disappoint me. I didn't understand why, and I wanted to know why. But I didn't ask anymore questions. I don't want him to get more pissed, especially at me. Then he said good night.

I feel like he doesn't need me anymore. That he already proved to himself that it's never gonna work out between us.  I feel like it's happening again. Him being cold to me, and any time this month his gonna say, "Hanna, I'm sorry but I don't think it's gonna work out between us again, I need time to collect myself, goodbye" 

I'm gonna get ready when this day comes. But in the meantime, no matter what happens, I'll prove to him that I'm never leaving. I want to show him that this relationship is worth a shot.

If he's trying, I'm staying.

Lost in confusion

July 18,2013

Well it's been two months since we parted, John and I. He's back in my life now, for about 5 days, and I feel like it's going to end again. To tell you the truth, I thought he was staying for good. He didn't even give much of an effort to show how much he wanted me back, I just accepted him. I know I was stupid for letting him in my life again, despite of the countless times my friends told me that it's not worth it.  I guess I just love him too much not to take him back. I wanted him to stay in my life, of course. I sincerely thought that we should give our relationship another try, it felt like the way we ended seemed too soon.
So we got back together, unofficially, but still. It was going great for a few days, we started calling each other "babe" again, saying "I love you" and sending "hugs and kisses".

But tonight turned out differently.

It started when we both decided on meeting each other tomorrow, for a quick lunch date. As the head over heels type of girl that I am, I agreed on it. He then messaged me that tomorrow was not a good day for him, he didn't give me any reasons, but I just said it was alright. But in the inner part of myself, I was screaming inside. I wanted to see him, and I want to tell him a lot of things, but it seemed that he just can't. I just understood the situation and shoved it off. After a while we began talking again, it ended to a conversation, clarifying what the status of our relationship is supposed to be. I told him I wanted to be both a lover but more than friends. So we ended up being officially best friends. In my opinion, I thought what he meant was that we would be called bestfriends but he will still court me. We just want to take things slow. But then the conversation turned. I told him about the "crush"  I have in school. Then he started telling me that it's okay for him that I have a crush, and that the possibilities are endless. I told him, the guy was just a crush, and that I gave him a chance so that we could be together again. But it seemed like, what he wanted to imply is that, we don't need to rush things and that it's fine if the guy and I would be together. Eliminating the fact that he and I would then be together.

It seemed like he didn't fight for me. I don't know why, but it just seemed that he was okay with the whole situation. That it's fine if we don't get back together, as long as we're friends. But he doesn't understand that, I still love him, unconditionally, and that I chose him over the guy, that I had a crush with, because I am in love with him. It hurts because I feel like getting dumped again.

Maybe this is all what he wants. To be friends with me, that's why he kept on messaging me on my phone.

I just feel so used.