I am so emotionally tired.
Sometimes I want to just live in another country, where people don't know you. It's like restarting your life and making new memories and meeting new people.
But I'm stick here, in the place where so much painful memories had happened, and I'm force to take in all of it.
There are a lot of things to do for school. The tourism exposed is coming up in less than a month, and I don't know how we could start it. We still need to do the tv ad and the booth and the promotional gimmick, and I don't know how we're gonna do that. But I'm still blessed that I get to sleep this weekend, and enjoy being me.
BUT
This weekend was suppose to be beautiful. I mean, I got to shop a lot of clothes last Saturday, but something was missing..
Oh right, John. Well, I cried again last night because of him. I just feel like he couldn't get in his thick skull that I'm trying my best. I texted him first yesterday, but once he replied (after a few hours) it felt like he was so eager to go again. I don't even want him to leave, I loved his company. But he just kept on pushing me away. It hurts.
Then at night, I just felt so damn unappreciated.
He was in a bad mood, and I wanted to make him feel loved and understood. I was ready to listen. Just listen. To not even give advice but to just listen. So I asked him if he could call, tell me about what's bothering him....but he said he can't, that he wouldn't be able to be good at conversations. I understood, and I stayed. I knew he needed a friend to just hang on to, and I want to be that friend for him. After a while he told me that he changed, that he didn't trust himself, and that he didn't want to disappoint me. I didn't understand why, and I wanted to know why. But I didn't ask anymore questions. I don't want him to get more pissed, especially at me. Then he said good night.
I feel like he doesn't need me anymore. That he already proved to himself that it's never gonna work out between us. I feel like it's happening again. Him being cold to me, and any time this month his gonna say,
I'm gonna get ready when this day comes. But in the meantime, no matter what happens, I'll prove to him that I'm never leaving. I want to show him that this relationship is worth a shot.
If he's trying, I'm staying.
